i_hate_shaq (i_hate_shaq) wrote,

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Sooo yea. I am basically more depressed than I have ever been. Ever. That is no exaggeration. I know no one would probably believe that, because I think I've been doing a pretty good job at hiding it, but I am just so miserable these days.  I've just lost all desire and motivation to do ANYTHING.  I don't want to hang out with people, I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to sit at home.  It's a sucky feeling, because I know that if I stop hanging out with everyone, it'll just make me feel more outcasted than I already do.  I feel like I just don't fit in here anymore.  I still love all of my friends, but it's so different lately.  I know that they're all annoyed by me, and I feel like that has just hugely rifted everything.  I hate feeling like everytime everyone hangs out together, I'm being talked about.  And the only people that can make me feel better live hundreds of miles away.  James, Rory, Sean, Aman, Jenna, Emily, Chris- this feels weird to say, but I've started thinking of them as my actual FRIENDS, not just my "camp friends".  Because lately they're the ones that have been better friends to me.  I guess the whole thing runs two ways, because I suppose, in a way, I've sort of cut myself off from people here.  But it's because I've felt left out since like...even before school ended.  So when I got the opportunity to be able to talk to people who I feel actually want to talk to me, I took it.  You really can't blame a person for that, it's only natural.  They're the ones who don't talk about me behind my back, they don't yell at me for making stupid choices, they don't do any of the bad things that everyone here has been doing lately.  I know I haven't been making the best decisions lately, and I know I'm probably hurting people in the process, but I really am just trying to work this all out the best way that I know how.  Maybe I'm just an idiot.  But even so, my camp friends make me feel like...it's okay to be an idiot, they'll still love me anyway.  I don't know, maybe they can just be like that because the situation is so far away from them, but still.
And aside from all this friend garbage is the fact that the boy that I am FALLING IN LOVE with lives four hours away.  That sucks.  He makes me feel so incredibley special- like I'm the best girl on the planet.  And I really just want to talk about him all the time, but I can't, because everyone would get all,  "Oh my God, shut up, you still have a boyfriend, blahblahblah."  So that's also caused me to retract more, because I can never say what I WANT to say.  Even when I do say stuff- not just about James, but about anything- no one acknowledges me anymore.  Like...I finished my story or whatever, and everyone's just like, "Oh.  OMG did I tell you about soandso?"  Seriously, stop talking about your fucking selves for two seconds and make me feel important and interesting for a few minutes.  I know that sounds selfish, but that's not how it's meant.  I mean like...whenever you tell a story, even if I've heard it a thousand times and think it's stupid, I at least make the effort to laugh, or ask a question, or coment on SOMETHING about it.  But I can only do that so much without getting any recognition in return before I start to get pissy and not want to talk to you anymore.  Or...listen to YOU talk, to be more accurate. 
Just everything about this place has just become unbearable lately.  Like...last year, or even a few months ago, I was afraid to go off to college because I didn't want to leave everything here.  Now?  I can't fucking wait.  I love going up to Boston and whatever because it gets me away from HERE.  I don't have to deal with any crap, I can just go and hang out with my friends and feel loved and involved and unconditionally happy.  Which is the complete opposite of the way things are for me here at the moment. 
I can't decide if everything will get better or worse once school starts.  It's going to stop me from seeing my friends from camp as much, which royally sucks.  But maybe it'll get me closer to my other friends again?  Although, with some of them, I don't know if I WANT to be that close to them anymore, they just seem to annoy me.  And, it anyone is reading this, don't ask me who the specific people are that I'm talking about, because I won't tell you. 

I don't know, I just feel so awfully and unbearabley depressed and lonely.
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