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This is for myself. [
August 23rd, 2007 | 3:20am
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I think that I've learned more about myself this summer than I ever have before. And I think that's a good thing, because the more I know about myself before I go away, the better. The more prepared I think I'll be to take on everything that college is going to bring. I've realized that I'm stronger than I think- stronger than everyone else thinks I am, too. A few weeks ago, Justin said to me, "You are a strong woman." And to be honest, I think that is the best compliment that anyone has ever given me. That raised me up so much. Now I know it's true, too. I've handled and dealt with so much, stuff that most people don't even know about. Since last summer, so much has happened, and so much of it I've dealt with on my own.
I've been in love. I've had that love commit a horrible offense. I've been sexually assaulted, and then never told anyone for a year. I've lost friends. I've stepped out of my shell and done a solo hip-hop dance in front of 30 people. I've had unprotected sex. I've travelled farther than I ever have before. I've been- for basically the first time ever- blatantly rejected by someone. I've had my feelings hurt. I've met so many new people. I've taken secret roadtrips to places 3 hours away. I've gotten in fights. I've hooked up with someone I knew for less than a week [and I couldn't be happier about that]. I've had 20 people watch me have sex, which was by far the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. I've cut people out of my life that should have been cut out much sooner. I've stayed up all night more times than I can count. I've been legitimately stalked. I've tried countless exotic foods. I've just...lived.

And so now, I think I'm ready. Because I know that no matter what happens up there in Boston, I am still going to be a strong woman. All the new first experiences I'm going to have are going to be taken in stride. I can do it, I know I can. I'm confident in myself and my abilities, and I know that life here in the manor has prepared me well, even though at the time it just seemed shitty. Today, I had my feelings hurt very badly. And, while they're still very hurt, I know that I can get over it, because I don't need ANYONE who is going to be a jerk to me, no matter how much I think I do. That lesson, along with all the lessons I learned from the experiences mentioned above, are going to help me in life. I know they are. ***The most important one being to close the goddamn window shades if you're gonna get naked.***

This is gonna be an adventure, and I don't know what's gonna happen. But I hope that my friendships with Emily and Rory stay just as strong. I hope I make TONS of new friends. I hope that Justin and I are able to handle the distance (I'm pretty sure we can, we're used to it). I hope that my roommates are AWESOME, even though I'm a tad skeptical about one of them.

I'm ready to show the world who Ashley is, and not hold anything back. No secrets, no lies, just me. Boston College is definitely going to be a better place for it.

May 1st, 2007 | 9:56pm
Extremely depressed, much?

March 31st, 2007 | 10:25pm

Karma really is a very interesting thing.

I think I'm a serial-dater.  I question my motives sometimes.

March 11th, 2007 | 7:59pm
No one ever lets me be happy.

February 21st, 2007 | 11:25pm
I love love.<3
Like...real, true love. 
The kind that makes you smile in the morning because you know that no matter what happens that day, someone will always be there for you at the end of it.  When you can just tell that they love you from their voice.
I've never felt like this before.

January 24th, 2007 | 7:31pm
I cannot wait to get out of hereeeeeeeeeeee.
I hate this place.  I hate school.  I hate people. 
I just want to GO.

Nothin left to do but get her clothes and pack;
She says she's 'bout to run away and
NEVER come back.

January 22nd, 2007 | 5:17pm
I really don't care.


December 30th, 2006 | 2:37am
This.....sucks, for lack of a better word.  And really, there's nothing that either of us can do about it.
I mean, it's really NOT fair.  Just because his mother doesn't exactly approve, doesn't mean that she should be able to keep us apart.  I love the boy, for goodness' sakes.  And he loves me too, and it's simply not cool to do this to us.
I really can't stop thinking about him, and how he SHOULD be here with me right now.
I feel like no one really comprehends how difficult it is for me to function like that haha.  I've never missed someone or wanted to be with someone so badly in my life.

Plus, AJ is talking to me.

December 18th, 2006 | 11:08pm
Being attractive is a curse.
I'm only half kidding.

December 16th, 2006 | 1:46am
[ mood | [but not happy shocked] ]

...I'm pretty much in complete and utter shock right now.

December 10th, 2006 | 11:47pm
[ mood | loved ]

I basically love him.

November 29th, 2006 | 12:01am
I feel like my number of friends around these parts has dropped significantly.
I just don't feel connected anymore.

September 26th, 2006 | 5:58pm
Life is getting so STRESSFUL, ay dios mio.  And I'm doing horribly in calc AND english, which is going to murder my average.  BUT, it's all okay, because my JAMES is coming in ELEVEN DAYS.  I'm so excited, I can barely concentrate on anything else haha.  And it's still so far away.  The day before he comes I'm going to be fully and completely bonkers with excitement. 
Basically, no matter what happens in the next eleven days, NOTHING can bring me down. =)

September 19th, 2006 | 2:45pm
It seems to me that everyone is feeling rather miserable lately. 
I guess I'm part of that club.
I think that, mostly, my problem is that I'm feeling very overwhelmed and uberly stressed out.  I have so much to do and so little time to do it that I'm just like...getting overloaded to the point where I can't bring myself to do ANYTHING.
But I think that's getting better, now that I have my NHS stuff in, and I'm feeling pretty on top of things with school and Girl Scouts and whatnot.
I still feel kind of lonely and whatnot when I'm in school, but that has started getting a LITTLE better, which is good.
I know I should try and count my blessings.
I mean, it's not like I'm totally shunned out of everything, and I do have a darling boyfriend who cares about me muy mucho.  

UGH, my mom just pissed me off.
I hate her, in all honesty.
Does she not understand that I actually AM trying?
And she's threatening to take my phone away.  Which basically totally disconnects me from James and everyone. 
If she does I'm going to go balistic.  I mean, seriously.  I go to school all day feeling basically by myself, for the most part.  I do all my homework during lunch so that I CAN have time at night to talk to him.  And she thinks she's taking that away from me?
Yea, right.
Fuck that.

September 2nd, 2006 | 12:49am
I can't believe I'm writing in this thing AGAIN, but I feel like I don't have anyone else at the moment. 
I hate this town, I hate these people, I hate this place.  Everyone is so fake, and everyone talks about each other, and NO ONE TELLS THE TRUTH.
You can't trust anyone these days.

August 31st, 2006 | 4:40pm
[ mood | satisfied ]

I hate the fact that people I love live so far away from me.
I love honesty.
I hate the four hour drive between Boston and New York.
I love James.
I hate school.
I love Rory.
I hate [bad] change.
I love how you can change the font on here.
I hate superiority complexes.
I love the fact that my geo work ISN'T due tomorrow.

August 19th, 2006 | 6:44pm
[ mood | sick ]

It's amazing how you can be in the most awful mood, and the smallest comment from the right person can make you feel so much better. <3

August 15th, 2006 | 12:40pm
[ mood | frustrated ]

Sooo yea. I am basically more depressed than I have ever been. Ever. That is no exaggeration. I know no one would probably believe that, because I think I've been doing a pretty good job at hiding it, but I am just so miserable these days.  I've just lost all desire and motivation to do ANYTHING.  I don't want to hang out with people, I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to sit at home.  It's a sucky feeling, because I know that if I stop hanging out with everyone, it'll just make me feel more outcasted than I already do.  I feel like I just don't fit in here anymore.  I still love all of my friends, but it's so different lately.  I know that they're all annoyed by me, and I feel like that has just hugely rifted everything.  I hate feeling like everytime everyone hangs out together, I'm being talked about.  And the only people that can make me feel better live hundreds of miles away.  James, Rory, Sean, Aman, Jenna, Emily, Chris- this feels weird to say, but I've started thinking of them as my actual FRIENDS, not just my "camp friends".  Because lately they're the ones that have been better friends to me.  I guess the whole thing runs two ways, because I suppose, in a way, I've sort of cut myself off from people here.  But it's because I've felt left out since like...even before school ended.  So when I got the opportunity to be able to talk to people who I feel actually want to talk to me, I took it.  You really can't blame a person for that, it's only natural.  They're the ones who don't talk about me behind my back, they don't yell at me for making stupid choices, they don't do any of the bad things that everyone here has been doing lately.  I know I haven't been making the best decisions lately, and I know I'm probably hurting people in the process, but I really am just trying to work this all out the best way that I know how.  Maybe I'm just an idiot.  But even so, my camp friends make me feel like...it's okay to be an idiot, they'll still love me anyway.  I don't know, maybe they can just be like that because the situation is so far away from them, but still.
And aside from all this friend garbage is the fact that the boy that I am FALLING IN LOVE with lives four hours away.  That sucks.  He makes me feel so incredibley special- like I'm the best girl on the planet.  And I really just want to talk about him all the time, but I can't, because everyone would get all,  "Oh my God, shut up, you still have a boyfriend, blahblahblah."  So that's also caused me to retract more, because I can never say what I WANT to say.  Even when I do say stuff- not just about James, but about anything- no one acknowledges me anymore.  Like...I finished my story or whatever, and everyone's just like, "Oh.  OMG did I tell you about soandso?"  Seriously, stop talking about your fucking selves for two seconds and make me feel important and interesting for a few minutes.  I know that sounds selfish, but that's not how it's meant.  I mean like...whenever you tell a story, even if I've heard it a thousand times and think it's stupid, I at least make the effort to laugh, or ask a question, or coment on SOMETHING about it.  But I can only do that so much without getting any recognition in return before I start to get pissy and not want to talk to you anymore.  Or...listen to YOU talk, to be more accurate. 
Just everything about this place has just become unbearable lately.  Like...last year, or even a few months ago, I was afraid to go off to college because I didn't want to leave everything here.  Now?  I can't fucking wait.  I love going up to Boston and whatever because it gets me away from HERE.  I don't have to deal with any crap, I can just go and hang out with my friends and feel loved and involved and unconditionally happy.  Which is the complete opposite of the way things are for me here at the moment. 
I can't decide if everything will get better or worse once school starts.  It's going to stop me from seeing my friends from camp as much, which royally sucks.  But maybe it'll get me closer to my other friends again?  Although, with some of them, I don't know if I WANT to be that close to them anymore, they just seem to annoy me.  And, it anyone is reading this, don't ask me who the specific people are that I'm talking about, because I won't tell you. 

I don't know, I just feel so awfully and unbearabley depressed and lonely.

July 25th, 2006 | 10:55am
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

I miss somebody right now.  (ECON CAMP.) I don't watch much TV these days. I own lots of books.
× I wear glasses or contact lenses. × I love to play video games. × I've tried marijuana.
× I've watched porn movies. × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
it goes on...Collapse )

July 10th, 2006 | 11:04pm

Fuck. Again.

I'm the world's biggest fucking mess, and it's my own fault, and CRAP.

July 10th, 2006 | 12:09pm
I. Am. Fucked.
Fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked.

February 5th, 2006 | 10:49am
Why can't I ever keep my promises to myself?

November 25th, 2005 | 12:17pm
ME: i have a ponderous question
do you think anyone really NEEDS anyone?
like...even if you really love someone a lot lot lot, do you really need them?
Luigi: idk
Luigi: one would think you would need them to be completely happy
Luigi: but would your life end not having them
Luigi: i doubt it
Luigi: you can probably find someone who makes you happy enough
Luigi: or even if you have no one
Luigi: you can still live
Luigi: just play the fields more
ME: lol
ME: this is making me head fuzz lol
Luigi: im sorry lol
Luigi: its best not to think about it i think
ME: most likely
Luigi: but what you have to think about is very few people know what love is
Luigi: they always think they know
Luigi: but do they really
Luigi: they just know that something makes them want to be around that person
Luigi: and figure it must be love
ME: well i think you can know it's love
you just don't necessarily know what exactly what love is
which doesn't make much sense lol
Luigi: the only person ive ever believed is in love
Luigi: this is including myself
Luigi: is you to be honest
Luigi: :\
ME: Luigi: the only person ive ever believed is in love
i thought you were saying that love was a person and it was the only person you've ever believed in
ME: i was about to ask you what you were smoking
Luigi: hahahahahaahahahahahahaha
Luigi: it could have been a person named in love
ME: who would name their child that?
Luigi: hed be a cool kid in my opinion
Luigi: i would
Luigi: lol
ME: what were his PARENTS smoking then?
Luigi: some good
Luigi: shit
ME: haha
Luigi: idk i believe it with you
Luigi: because a. its been like forever
Luigi: and b. i think deep down you wish you would just stop
Luigi: and c. because youd have to be either crazy or in love to find me this likeable

Hmm. I'm glad my feelings are recognized, I think lol. I've been so paranoid that no one would believe me if I said I really do love him. This makes me happy that at least he knows and believes me.

Goodness gracious.

November 2nd, 2005 | 7:01pm
You only hold me up like this cause you don't know who I really am </3

September 28th, 2005 | 8:10pm

THIS is what I need lol.

Even if no one reads this, I still get the illusion of telling people how I feel and getting it out. It's weird, when I wrote in a notebook or something I usually get more upset, cause it makes me realize my feelings more, but they're still stuck with me. But in here, I feel more like I'm actually getting it off my chest and out into the world.


So I know I'm being a hypocrite. But I can't help it lol. When I'm not with him, I really do feel like he's the biggest asshole on the planet and I can't help but think about the amazing time I did get with him and how mad it makes me that I don't have that now. But then when he's around me, all that hurt and bad feelings just seem to fly out the window and I can't help having sneaky little thoughts popping into my head. I almost even forget about Levid lol. Like she doesn't even exist and it's just me and him. Pft I wish lol. As sad and pathetic as it is, I would go out with him again. Even though I am fully aware of how bad I feel sometimes due to him and his ass-ishness, I think my happiness would more then balance that out. Although part of me thinks that I shouldn't even if I had the oppotunity. Partly to teach him a lesson, and partly just to prove to MYSELF that I really don't need to have him to be happy.

This whole situation pretty much sucks more then a cheap whore. And I can't get over it lol. I know I should, because I KNOW I get annoying with my incessant talking about it, but I actually cannot help it. It's on my mind all the time. If I didn't say something, I'd be even more bonkers than I already am.

Wow, this is getting to be pretty long lol.

You know what I wish?

That I could tell him all this. I feel so bad, he says to call him whenever I get upset, except I'm usually upset about HIM. You can't really talk to someone about themself lol. Plus part of me is afraid that he just wouln't care lol. I know that's not true, but like..when Jackie told him how upset she was and blah blah blah, he broke up with me. And I think part of me wants to think that if I did that, he'd break up with her. Although the majority of me knows that he wouldn't, so then I'd be upset. Which doesn't really make sense. But that's just how I work.

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