THIS is what I need lol.
Even if no one reads this, I still get the illusion of telling people how I feel and getting it out. It's weird, when I wrote in a notebook or something I usually get more upset, cause it makes me realize my feelings more, but they're still stuck with me. But in here, I feel more like I'm actually getting it off my chest and out into the world.
So I know I'm being a hypocrite. But I can't help it lol. When I'm not with him, I really do feel like he's the biggest asshole on the planet and I can't help but think about the amazing time I did get with him and how mad it makes me that I don't have that now. But then when he's around me, all that hurt and bad feelings just seem to fly out the window and I can't help having sneaky little thoughts popping into my head. I almost even forget about Levid lol. Like she doesn't even exist and it's just me and him. Pft I wish lol. As sad and pathetic as it is, I would go out with him again. Even though I am fully aware of how bad I feel sometimes due to him and his ass-ishness, I think my happiness would more then balance that out. Although part of me thinks that I shouldn't even if I had the oppotunity. Partly to teach him a lesson, and partly just to prove to MYSELF that I really don't need to have him to be happy.
This whole situation pretty much sucks more then a cheap whore. And I can't get over it lol. I know I should, because I KNOW I get annoying with my incessant talking about it, but I actually cannot help it. It's on my mind all the time. If I didn't say something, I'd be even more bonkers than I already am.
Wow, this is getting to be pretty long lol.
You know what I wish?
That I could tell him all this. I feel so bad, he says to call him whenever I get upset, except I'm usually upset about HIM. You can't really talk to someone about themself lol. Plus part of me is afraid that he just wouln't care lol. I know that's not true, but like..when Jackie told him how upset she was and blah blah blah, he broke up with me. And I think part of me wants to think that if I did that, he'd break up with her. Although the majority of me knows that he wouldn't, so then I'd be upset. Which doesn't really make sense. But that's just how I work.